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Let me tell you why. I would die for you.

My blood is the thing that reminds me his real, the only thing that stops me from thinking this isn’t a dream. Although I wish it was. Without him, I have nothing. I hate everything and I’m pushing everyone away that is trying to help me.

I can’t do this without him but I know he feels worse than I do, although he won’t believe it. He’s going back to hell, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I promised him he wouldn’t ever go ‘home’ but that’s where he is now. I hate myself, I promised him I wouldn’t leave his side again, But yet “He’s Gone”.

It’s simple; I need him to survive,
Without him; I have nothing to live for.

I wish I died in his arms the night before he left like he told me he wanted. He wanted to go happy, and in my arms was the only place that’s possible. But now his gone forever, and I know that he isnt going to come back anytime soon.

But if he doesn’t; I’ll be going there, alone and with a way out only needing to be with him.
To end my life the way I want it, with not a single person to change my mind.

Your Gone.

I need you.

I've learnt to accept the things I can't change.

♥

I judge no-body, on the fact that i don't know what they've been though, so i ask them not to judge me. I've become quite content with my life.

People seem to hate me, but i really couldn't care.

I miss my past,

the days were i didn't have to worry

Mostly about my future.

That subject is the thing i despise the most.

Things we're easy.

And now it seems like it's a constant battle.

But I know I'll never get them back
and it's something I've accepted.

♥

I've made mistakes, and created my own regrets. I tell no-one my feelings, because I'm afraid of being judge. I'm pansexual, Which means i like people not sex's. Sexuality is a thing of the heart and to me it really doesn't matter. A person is a person, no matter what sex they are. I despise the people that think they own the world, and can control anyone they want, they are useless and heart-less. I love the things that people think and say about me and my friends, it makes ma laugh at how pathetic they are. I will simple ignore you. If you hate me, you hate me. Awesome. If People give me shit, i will give them shit back, you deal it you'll be dealt it. I'm not your ordinary teenage girl, i list to heavy metal and the music that is manly for guys, I play nerd games, And Guitar Hero. My life now revoles around my boyfriend, but hey, i love the kid. My mood depends on the music I'm listening to, I'm not quite sure how i survived with out it.

It's pretty much my life support.

♥

I quite like to write how I'm feeling, things never make sense anywhere else except there. If i try and tell you how i feel you wont understand a thing. So his pretty much the only reason I'm still alive, because i would have left this place by now if i didn't have him. he pretty much saved me, I couldn't get any lower then what i was before i met him. But now, this are perfect, his perfect. In every way possible. I've never been the person for relationship's and I've tried to avoid them at any cost, But this kid. His my definition of true love.

Accept it, reject it.

Take it or leave it.

It doesn't bother me. I don't need you anyway.

One of my old blogs, in the time of depression.

James and the giant peach;



And one day; I wish to have a life; like James. I want to live in a giant peach, And have no worries in the world.I want all my problems to be resolved by Hundreds Of Seagulls,To Come And pick me up when I'm down. To fly me away to a better place. But instead I'm left down in this World; With the Sharks to fed upon my flesh.





But in the End,
James gets everything he ever wanted,
For living a horribly life he never choose.
So I suppose, If we struggle on for a bit longer.
In the end it will eventually all work out.



A year later;

Things are starting to work out, better then i could ever think of actully.
I don't exactly know how but i don't really care.

imissyou;

And i hate to see my best friend like this. She doesn't deserve it, and to be quite honest im sick of her calling me cry, because there is nothing that i can do to help. So instead i'm sitting an hour and a half drive away from her, with

• No way to see her.

  No way of helping her.

  No way to get there in the future.

  No way to even call her.

I'm over this shit. He doesn't understand what im trying to tell him, And she beleive she's done nothing wrong, And to be honest i beleive her. But i can't judge because i havent been there. So i'm stuck in the middle, with him and her coming to me bitching and complaining and asking for advice, what am i meant to say, I tell them both to forget about it and just ignore each other. But no, I'm over it.

And up until now; i swore i was content with lonliness.

Í guess you could say, it's the simple things in life that I'm amazed by. I'm starting to understand things better, how they work, why they happen. And I've come to the conclusion that life's a mystery, and it's not meant to be solved, You might think differently but I'd rather see my future with a blindfold on.

I miss my little sister, like i never thought possible. the first time i moved away it was no big deal, but being back there for a year, we grew together, and realised how much we actually had in common; She's 11 and she listens to escape the fate for fuck sake, Watches my favourite stoner movies, horror movies and jumps of bridge's and out of tree's into the river with me. She has more guts and bravery then i ever had at that age, and she still does now despite being 5 years younger then me.

She's an amazing little sister, and i wouldn't trade her in for anything.

As soon as his out of my sight, the thoughts of him not returning to me linger in my head. The next time i see you, I feel like a 7 year old at Christmas time. Your my best friend; and the love of my life. To anyone reading this, going

"She's fucking 16, she has no idea what
love is, shut the fuck up you stupid teenager".

To you; all i have to say, is;

'Yes, i do know what love is, and to be honest, it's the most amazing feeling in the world, the feeling of having butterfly's in your stomach, every time your lips touch his, at the feeling of him touching your neck, Playing with your hair. It's the most outstanding thing, For once you don't feel alone, because they are always apart of you. No matter where you are, or what your doing'.

I wish i was older.

And I'm starting to think i have a problem with blogging, until i realised it's the only way i can express the things i feel and believe with out being judged and being told I'm wrong or stupid. I've accepted the fact that i trust know one, because I've been hurt and let down to much, And I've also learnt that it doesn't bother me anymore. I guess I've grown up since moving here. When i moved here, i thought it was a good thing, being a new start, but the thought of starting a new school, was the worst thing possible that i thought could happen. The first day, was alright, meeting some kid, i was told to never go out with. But i got to know him, and I just couldn't help my self. He was perfect in every way, and there was nothing about him I didn't like. I didn't understand how i found someone i had an automatic connection with in such a short period of time, but i didn't fight it. Within two days of meeting him, we we're together, And 3 weeks later, i still die inside when ever he leaves me for a moment. I don't think I'll ever stop missing you, and i just have to get use to it.

I just wish i was older so these problems would disappear.

Life;

So, I'm chilling in bed, Wondering what I'm going to do with everything. My life, My job, My Schooling, My Boyfriend, What tattoo i want, My Future, Tomorrow, The Holidays. And I've come to the conclusion, that what ever happens, happens. I'm sick of planning the future, while I'm trying to live in the present, and am still thinking about the past. So here i am, Saying that I'm going to stop worrying about things, the past included, And I'm just going to think about Things no more then a day in advanced. As long as Shane's in my future, then I'm happy, And i don't want to know anything else that is in store for me.

Only three Weeks, Hmm. I Thought i loved you then.

Three weeks today and I'm still lost at words when you look at me.
Every time you say you love me, i still get butterfly's in side,
And as for the time's when you kiss me, It feels like a shock of electricity though my body.
I cant explain how i feel about you, And i don't think i ever will be able to.
You leave me speech less at the worst time's possible and you can even make me smile when I'm angry.

All i can say is

I'm lost for words at how much you amazing me. Its incredible at how much of a better person you've made me, How much I've realised and learnt since I've been with you. You'd changed me for the better, and i can't stop thinking that I'm not good enough for you. You amaze me in every way possible, and yet you choose to be with me, A girl who has nothing to offer you except herself, Who at times i don't even stand. I wish you all the luck with trying to work out what i want. Because honestly, i don't even know what i want, well besides you. I miss you extremly at this point in time, like i do everytime you leave my side for a single second.

I love you Shane Matthew, Your my life now and i hope this never changes.